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ARTICLE

Declaring Spent Convictions
when getting a car insurance quote - an FOS article


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THE NOT SO COMPLETE LIST OF MOTORING DEFINITIONS
Active Safety - You decided to stay at home.
Air Bag - The taxi driver wouldn't shut up.
Anti-Theft Device - Datsun 120Y.
Bore - Most Volvos.
Brakes - Something upon which to lay the blame for your excursion into the scenery.
Car Alarm - You paid $900 for an alarm clock.
Clutch - What you do to the steering wheel of your car just before your excursion into the scenery.
Cruise Control - A brick.
Driver's Footrest - The dashboard.
Engine Response - Ability to keep damage to the passenger's head divided equally between the headrest and the glovebox lid.
Ergonomics - Highly subjective measure of the ease of use of the car's controls. Basically, did you try to light your cigarette with the choke knob, change gears with the handbrake or tune the radio with the air-conditioner.
Four-wheel drive - Vehicle capable of travelling off-road, used by most people to tackle such challenges as the speed-humps at the local McDonalds.
Fully-Independent Suspension - Each wheel had a mind of its own.
Gas Shocks - What owners of V-8 get when they pay for petrol.
Handling - Readiness of the car to accept your suggestion as to which end hits what first.
Intermittent Wipers - They don't always work.
Leaf Springs - Where motoring journalists go for their holidays.
Low-Profile - What a motoring journalist keeps after crashing that Porsche 911 they were testing.
McPherson Strut - Type of step used by Paris fashion models.
Mercedes-Benz - Something that affects German Scuba-divers.
Optional Extra - It should have come free, but someone in sales & marketing ran Excel and figured they'd double profits this way.
Passive Safety - The car's ability to retain you alive for another try.
Performance Enhancement - Turbo badges, pinstripes, plastic spoilers and "Mugen" stickers.
Ride Quality - Something addressed in England by suspension, in Germany by local roadbuilding, in Australia by upholstry and in Japan by the sound system.
Styling - What the car looked like before the accident. Suspension - State of your driver's licence after trying to find how fast your father's Saab Turbo could go.
Turning Circle - Exactly 20cm more than you needed to miss next-doors new BMW-850i
Transmission - Something to do with the radio.
Understeer - Declaration of independence made by the car with reference to any input that you care to make via the steering wheel.
Warranty - The thing that expired two days before your gearbox started making a noise like a monkey-wrench in a blender.
24hour roadside assistance hotline - Telecom repairman's busy signal test number.

GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES (WITH TRANSLATIONS)
Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken Indicators
Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen Bonnet
Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Exhaust
Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken Clutch
Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick Footbrake
Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen Gear Lever
Der Egobooster and Linenshooter Speedometer
Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken Puncture
Der Koffenundschpittpoluter Exhaust fumes
Der Twatten mit Elplatz Learner driver
Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin Estate car
Der Flippenflappenschitspreader Windscreen wipers
Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen Seat belt
Das Buch fur Aresewipen Highway code
Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden Headlights
Die Puttenlegdownen und Fukkit Fog warning
Der Pedalpuschinpilloken Cyclist
Der Fukkengratentrucken Juggernaut
Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast Traffic jam
Der Lowdenbangenmekken jumpen Backfire
Der Heiway Robberung Garage
Overtaken und Krunchen Double white lines Der Banananwaltzen Skid
Der bludimessen Accident
Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen Near accident
Die puffintem fur pistenarsen Breathalyer


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